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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881429">Pest-ilence</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic'>astudyinfic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Apocalypse AU [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cut &amp; Run - Madeleine Urban &amp; Abigail Roux</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Four Horsemen, Gen, Hinted Nickels, Humor, Kelly Abbott is a one-man office apocalypse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 14:57:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,645</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881429</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes your hires work out <i>too well</i>.  Deuce was learning that the hard way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Apocalypse AU [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575010</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pest-ilence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Deuce knew this one would be a challenge. Most of them took their passing with a detached acceptance.</p>
<p>“Where am I?” The man in front of him glanced around, becoming more agitated by the moment.</p>
<p>Deuce offered him his most placating smile. “I’m sorry. You’re dead.”</p>
<p>“Like hell I am! Send me back! Send me back NOW!”</p>
<p>‘Detached acceptance’ was not the way Deuce would describe Kelly Abbott’s reaction to his own death. “I’m sorry but that really isn’t possible. You lived a good life, Mr. Abbott. You were a good man and you helped a lot of people. But your time is up. There’s nothing even I can do about it.”</p>
<p>“Then what the hell kind of god are you?”</p>
<p>Why did they all react like this? Every single time. Death had been the only one who didn’t and that was for understandable reasons. “I’m not god,” Deuce said with an apologetic sigh. “I’m more like...human resources. Management.” Remembering the time from which the man in front of him came, he amended quickly and said, “I’m the one who finds jobs for people after they pass over. That’s what I’m doing for you now.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want a new job. I want the old one. I want the one I was doing when someone apparently killed me. Send me back. I won’t do anything other than what I was doing at home.”</p>
<p>“As I said, I can’t do that. You died and there is nothing I can do to bring you back. If it helps in any way, you died saving one of your soldiers on the battlefield. That man will live and will name his firstborn son after the man who gave his life for him.”</p>
<p>Kelly sighed and sat back in the chair, and the vice around Deuce’s heart relaxed a little. “I’m glad he’ll be okay. They wanted me to leave him but I couldn’t do that. He had a sweetheart back home.”</p>
<p>Deuce smiled, knowing that already. There was very little he didn’t know at this point. “He made it back to her. Thanks to you.”</p>
<p>“So, you said you have a job for me? I get to keep saving lives?”</p>
<p>This was always the tricky part with jobs such as the one Deuce planned to offer Kelly. Most people hesitated when being asked to fill a role in the apocalypse. A few jumped at the chance. Deuce’s own brother had been thrilled to fill the position of Death and they couldn’t have asked for a better one. But most found it distasteful, at least at first.</p>
<p>They filled a vital role in the universe but the fact that so many people tended to die during armageddons made most people at least reconsider for a moment.</p>
<p>Deuce considered his words carefully. “Not. Exactly.” The exact opposite, if he was being completely honest.</p>
<p>“Then what?” The man’s changeable eyes narrowed and Deuce got the impression he was figuring out the fifty fastest ways to kill and dispose of him. He’d do just fine in this job.</p>
<p>“I want you to kill people.” He paused, letting it sink in. “I would like you to assume the mantle of Pestilence as one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Hesitation was clear on the man’s face. Asking a healer to become a killer was not something most people would think. But Kelly Abbott was a soldier as well as a healer, and Deuce was taking a chance that he might understand that death was just as important as life.</p>
<p>To his credit, Kelly didn’t dismiss him out of hand. He actually considered it. Feeling like he was on the right track, Deuce said, “You can meet the rest of the team before you decide. They’re a good group if a little strange. At least talk to Armageddon.”</p>
<p>“Why do I get the feeling that Armageddon is a person and not just the end of the world.”</p>
<p>“Depends on the day,” Deuce replied cryptically.</p>
<p>Kelly pursed his lips. “Okay.”</p>
<p>“Okay, you’ll meet them?”</p>
<p>“No, okay, I’ll take the job.”</p>
<p>Well, that was easier than Deuce expected.</p>
<hr/>
<p>“What the hell were you thinking?”</p>
<p>Deuce sighed, letting his head fall back against his chair. He’d say he was looking to a higher power but as far as he knew he <em>was</em> the higher power. Which meant, whatever Armageddon was upset about, it was up to him to figure it out. “O’Flaherty, always a pleasure. Which of my decisions are you questioning today?”</p>
<p>“Our new Pestilence.” Nick sat across from him, displeasure coming off him in waves. Kelly wasn’t the decision Deuce thought he would be complaining about. Deep down, he thought Kelly and Nick might be well suited to be friends, if not more. He believed firmly that in their line of work, being in a relationship with a coworker was a benefit. Deuce had his eye on someone who might work well with his brother.</p>
<p>But that was beside the point right now. His problem at the moment was dealing with whatever Nick’s problem was. “What about him? He’s perfect for the job and I am rarely wrong about group dynamics. If there is an issue, I would like to take care of it sooner rather than later.” If he made a mistake, better to deal with it before it became a much bigger issue.</p>
<p>“He fits in perfectly. <em>That</em> is the problem.”</p>
<p>With a frown, Deuce ran the words through his head once more. That didn’t make sense, no matter what O’Flaherty might think. “Want to run that past me again?”</p>
<p>“It might be easier if I showed you. Have a minute?”</p>
<p>No way did Deuce even consider turning him down. Never let it be said that Upstairs wasn’t at least a little curious about the chaos his decisions had wrought.</p>
<p>The two of them took the elevator up to the Armageddon department. Deuce didn’t spend as much time up there as he probably should have but it was easier to keep his distance. Nick kept the department under control for the most part and as much fun as it was for Duece to tell his brother off, it was better for both of them if he let Ty do his thing. It might not be traditional but he was still one of the best Deaths they’d ever had.</p>
<p>Since it had been so long since his last visit to Armageddon, Deuce was taken aback by the destruction they walked into.</p>
<p>The door to Pollution’s office hung at a perilous angle, held on by one hinge. Papers littered the floor and several pairs of scissors and one memorable stapler were stuck to the wall. A mysterious orange ooze dripped down the walls and everywhere you looked were bits of wood that Deuce suspected was once their office furniture.</p>
<p>But it was quiet. Deathly quiet. No place that contained those five personalities was ever that still and it felt as though the room held its breath, waiting for whatever came next.</p>
<p>“What happened here?” Deuce asked, picking his way through the detritus to try and reach Nick’s office. He was used to a bit of chaos up here. The horsemen tended to be terrible about doing their paperwork and often Deuce would find it wadded up for use as an office projectile, but this was far more than he’d ever seen before. This looked like a war zone. “Owen trying new techniques?” That happened occasionally, though generally War was more conscientious than this.</p>
<p>“No, Kelly Abbott happened here,” Nick grumbled, leaning against the wall, simply watching Deuce as he took in the destruction. “Did you even research him before you gave him this job?”</p>
<p>“Of course I did.” Deuce bristled at the implication that he didn’t know what he was doing. Kelly Abbott had been a well-decorated soldier. He’d saved people at the expense of his own life. The men in his unit would have followed him into death if he asked them to. He inspired loyalty in everyone he met. He was a team player, a friend, a man with a backbone of steel.</p>
<p>In other words, he was perfect.</p>
<p>None of which explained what was going on here because Nick O’Flaherty wasn’t one to overreact so there was a disconnect happening and Deuce just hadn’t found the issue yet.</p>
<p>The long hallway had three doors on either side and one at the end. On the left were the offices of Pollution, War, and Pestilence. On the right, Famine and Death, along with the conference room. At the end, Nick’s office. Nick started to walk down the hall, pointing at each door as he went.</p>
<p>“Pollution. Kelly suggested an idea he had based on some battle from Gettysburg or some shit. Digger jumped on it immediately and together, they managed to blow the door off the hinges while laughing their asses off. A lot of the paper you see on the floor is the report Digger owed you for the last apocalypse we had on Torat-6.” Deuce sighed at that. Of course, they would manage to blow up the report. It meant extra hours for him, trying to tape the pages back together.</p>
<p>Pointing to the other side of the hall, Nick told him, “Famine. You can’t see the direct effects of this one but Doc explained to Eli that the chemicals in soda make them addictive and they should be banned.”</p>
<p>“Oh no,” Deuce muttered under his breath, knowing exactly where this was going.</p>
<p>Nick smiled and nodded. “They threw away all the Dr. Pepper. Told Ty it was for his own good. I’m sure you know exactly how well that went over.”</p>
<p>For the most part, Ty could be easy going. He was annoying as fuck and used it to his advantage, but there were very few things that would get someone on his bad side. Getting between him and his choice of caffeine was one of them. Never mind that as an almost all-powerful being, he didn’t need caffeine anymore. Ty wanted Dr. Pepper and if anyone got in his way, may Good have mercy on their souls. Unfortunately for them, Ty would be the one to reap said souls first.</p>
<p>Best for everyone just to leave the soda alone.</p>
<p>Nick didn’t leave him to stew in that horror for long. He took a few steps and pointed at Ty’s office door. “The rest of the trash you see on the floor is from the resulting Ty-rade. He’s currently not speaking to any of us and is somewhere on the other side of the veil, pouting. I told him he needs to be back for work tomorrow but we all know how well he listens. We’ll have to see what happens. Anyway, all your angel reports are in this mess someplace. You can take it up with Death when he gets back. It’s not worth my energy to try and argue with him about it.”</p>
<p>Deuce didn’t really want to do that but that was part of his job. Along with his counterpart Downstairs, they were the final say on everything that happened in and out of the universe. He would discipline his own brother if he had to but hopefully Ty would cool down and be back to normal before it came to that.</p>
<p>Deuce would make sure his office was restocked with Dr. Pepper before he got back, though.</p>
<p>He’d hoped that was it but Nick didn’t stop. He pointed at Owen’s office and Deuce didn’t even bother to hold back his groan. “What now?”</p>
<p>“They tested some biological weapons. We’re still not sure what the orange slime is but it is currently eating through whatever the walls are made of. Might want to have someone come up and take care of that before it burns a hole through the building and leaves us open to the outside.” The outside in a normal office building meant weather and birds and bugs. In this building, it meant the burning power swirl of creation that could destroy as easily as create. Janitorial would be furious.</p>
<p>Letting out a sigh of disbelief, Deuce shook his head. “So in this short time, he’s managed to corrupt every one of your horsemen? It spread like a disease through the group? Seems to me that is the perfect Pestilence. At least you are unaffected. That’s got to mean something.”</p>
<p>Instead of an answer, Nick kept walking towards his office, stepping over an unsettling orange puddle and not caring if he left tread marks on the strewn papers. His lack of an answer might have been the most disturbing part of it all. Corrupting the horsemen to cause chaos wasn’t exactly difficult. They all tended to skew towards chaotic to begin with. Armageddon himself was supposed to be above all of that. The fact that he wasn’t proclaiming his innocence had Deuce’s nerves on end. “O’Flaherty, what has he done to you?”</p>
<p>Nick closed the door behind them and stood, staring out the window. Deuce caught a glimpse of something in his reflection and groaned. “You like him? That’s what this is all about? Just tell him and let me get on with my day.”</p>
<p>“I can’t tell him. I’m his boss. Would he feel obligated to return the feelings just because of that? What if he isn’t interested and then starts pulling away and we have to find a new Pestilence?”</p>
<p>“You need to stop overthinking this. You aren’t human anymore. Your little mob minions on Earth had to be kept separate from you. Here, it’s different and you know it. So tell him, get your man and move on with your day.” Even as he said it, Deuce knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. Even after all this time, Nick had a strange yet strict moral code that he continued to abide by. If something in his head told him that getting with Kelly was bad, nothing Deuce said would convince him otherwise.</p>
<p>“Hey, O!” Both men turned towards the door in time to see Kelly barge in. “Oh, sorry, um, Sir, didn’t know you were here. I can come back.” He didn’t look too apologetic though and Deuce had to fight against the smile that threatened.</p>
<p>Deuce shook his head, waving off his concern. “I should really be going anyway,” he explained with a smile. “I apparently have some reports to piece back together.” Maybe he could get Blake to help him. The man was an invaluable asset and Deuce really would feel bad leaving that task to him. He could always drag Ty’s ass back here and have him deal with it. Though that posed several more serious problems.</p>
<p>He shrugged to himself. There was really nothing to do but do it himself. It could be worse.</p>
<p>Leaving Nick and Kelly behind, Deuce stepped back into the hall and closed the door behind him before letting out a heavy sigh. The documents that littered the floor all vanished, now waiting for him in his office. Maybe those two would work things out. Maybe they would dance around each other for millennia.</p>
<p>One thing was for sure, Nick needed to find a way to reel in Kelly’s more destructive tendencies and influences under control, or next time it would be Nick and Kelly who would be the ones piecing the office back together.</p>
<p><em>Actually</em>, he thought, stepping into the elevator back to his office. He smiled as the doors started to close and he heard the exclamation from the office at the end of the hall as all the shreds appeared on Nick’s desk.</p>
<p>That should give them plenty of time to spend together.</p>
<p>Deuce Grady, a man of many talents. God, he supposed, if one wanted to get technical, though he did hate that term. Manager. Human Resources.</p>
<p>And now, matchmaker.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Come yell at me on  <a href="http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com">tumblr</a> or <a href="http://twitter.com/astudyinfic">twitter</a></p>
<p>Also, we made a <a href="https://discord.gg/KFfErkb">Cut &amp; Run discord channel</a> if anyone is interested in joining and yelling at us about the books we all love.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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